I am married to a man that works every day, but, every week, on either Friday or Saturday, he gets “smashed” on alcohol. He is then belligerent, condescending, puts me down, compares me to his former girlfriends, belittles me beyond what you could imagine! He has said the same exact things for the past four years, except the other weekend, he told me that I am not as pretty as I think I am. Always, the next day, he is sorry, and will change. Wow-I’ve heard that for years too.
He doesn’t see that he has a problem or is causing any harm at all. All he wants to do is relax and “let his hair down.” You can’t take him in public after he’s started drinking, because he’s terrible! The places he wants to take me are to bars, or anywhere that alcohol is served-if alcohol isn’t on the menu, we don’t eat there. He refuses to get any type of help! I do not drink alcohol at all, and I feel that I am on an emotional roller-coaster – always wondering what the next weekend will bring. What advice can you give me?
REPLY
Your husband most definitely has a drinking problem and abuses alcohol, he is not, however, an alcoholic. He is what we call a binge drinker, that is when he goes out to drink he goes out to get drunk. It has become a habit for him and is obviously very important to him to get drunk and ‘relax’. Yet there is a cost to his drinking and that is his relationship with you.
When drunk he emotionally and verbally abuses you and then apologizes the next day, only to go and do the exact same thing the next week. This is not healthy. have you told him (when he is sober) how you feel and how his behavior affects you? Have you set boundaries i.e. told him what you will and won’t accept about his behavior? (An example of a boundary might be to refuse to go out with him if he drinks etc.)
It seems as if your husband’s drinking sessions have become more important than your marriage at the moment. Maybe your husband hasn’t realized this yet but maybe it is time that he found out…
All the best,
C.
I am a Mental Health Counselor who is licensed in both New York (LMHC) and North Carolina (LCMHC). I have been working in the Mental Health field since 2015. I have worked in a residential setting, an outpatient program and an inpatient addictions program. I began working in Long Island, NY and then in Guelph, Ontario after moving to Canada. I have since settled in North Carolina. I have experience working with various stages of addiction, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, trauma, stages of life concerns and relationship concerns.
I tend to use a person-centered approach which simply means that I meet you where you are and work collaboratively to help you identify and work towards accomplishing goals. I will often pull from CBT when appropriate. I do encourage use of mindfulness and meditation and practice these skills in my own life. I believe in treating everyone with respect, sensitivity and compassion.
I recognize that reaching out for help is hard and commend you for taking the first step. We have professionals available who would be happy to help you move closer to reaching your goals related to your drinking concerns. You may reach these professionals by calling 877-322-2694.
10 Comments. Leave new
Aug 06, 2016
He loves the bottle more then he loves me.
by: Anonymous
He loves the bottle more then he loves me. I know that’s not true and he really loves me, but it doesn’t always feel that way.
I’ve know my husband for 10 years now, married for 7. In the beginning I did not realize that he had a problem, only that he drank after a long hard day at work. He worked in construction so it made sense. Later on in our relationship (while dating) I found MANY pill bottles. Did not think much of it at the time. Later we married and moved out of state, I was so excited. A new life with the man I love. So I had totally missed all the signs during the time we were dating because as soon as we moved in together, he changed. Drinking all the time, taking meds, very lazy, yelling and screaming at me all the time, putting me down, playing mental games, breaking things, throwing my food on the wall, saying I was a bad cook and much more. After a few years and a miscarriage of our twins it got worse. He drank one large bottle of vodka a day for at least a month, until we moved back home. Then for 2 1/2 years he did not look for a job, he hated life and everything was everyone else’s fault except his own. After years of making threats I finally left him and filed for divorce. I worry about him and I LOVE him but I can’t keep playing these games. Now, I’m waiting for the divorce papers to get served, I know it’s going to kill him.
As much as I want to move on with my life I always have second thoughts, specifically when we talk but I think it’s too late.
Aug 08, 2015
Binge drinking
by: Anonymous
24 yrs married to a binge drinker. He drinks to much and tells me how bad I am. He doesn’t do it every month – sometimes every 6 months, but the pain sticks!! Why can’t I find the strength to leave!! My kids don’t deserve this venom and tension, I feel so lost …
Mar 20, 2015
i met my husband at an AA meeting
by: Anonymous
Yes. We met at an AA meeting. He was supportive, kind man. We married 2 years later. Now he drinks every saturday night until he is smashed. We have been together 9 years now. My trust and heart are broken. Last week he verbally abused and threatened me. He beleives he is entitled to drink because he works hard. I just have nothing left.
Oct 21, 2014
Update
by: Anonymous
I’ve seen the bank statements now I know why he hides them and his checkbook. Purchase of 7 cases of beer every 2 weeks the blackberry brandy 2 gallons every other week. Ironic this website would pop up today as today after 29 1/2 years our divorce is final. It is very sad – I go to al anon.
Jul 25, 2014
He works so he’s not an alcoholic
by: Anonymous
My husband drinks 7 cases 24/packs a month himself plus all the blackberry brandy he can hide. But he gets his butt out of bed every day and goes to work so in his mind “he is not an alcoholic”. We have been married 29 years, together 34. There is no love, affection, intimacy, communication. Why do we women hang around that long? I feel like he’s not only wasted his life but mine 60 years total.
We didn’t do vacations “because I don’t pay my fair share”- yet $$$ he puts out on his friends is not a problem. He’s never been supportive as a husband, makes 4x what I make and is kind to everyone “BUT HIS WIFE”. Sneaks out of work they don’t know he’s gone because he switches out vehicles or a bicycle and they never know for sure if he is there or not.
I filed for a divorce yet I feel so empty and depressed. He’d do the most disgusting things, we couldn’t close curtains in the home at night, cant turn the air on no matter how hot it is… very controlling. We went on vacation he was so drunk he ‘forgot” and left me in the bar when he went up to the room… horrible inconsiderate behavior… WHY DO I FEEL so depressed and lonely? I can’t possibly Miss this behavior anyone else go through this stuff?
Dec 22, 2012
I Know How You Feel…
by: Anonymous
Seems that you and I are in very similar situations. I certainly understand about how you do not want to leave, but on the other hand, all we really need to do is leave, because that is the only real answer; but I am still with my husband. Believe me, I certainly entertain the thought of leaving everyday, even while I am at work. Oh yes, and work is much better than being at home with someone who is unpredictable, except for their drinking. The “little white lies” that you speak of are beyond terrible, I certainly understand. Let’s call it what it is: a lie. I have come to understand that if a person will lie to you they will steal from you, and if they will steal from you, it’s hard telling what else they will do. So with that last sentence, I will say that we are lied to, they are stealing our joy (our life), and so it is curious what else they will do.
I actually had my husband arrested for threatening me. Of course, he was very very drunk and on medicine when he did this, but nevertheless, I had enough of that. He was put out of “his” house (everything is always “his” according to him), had to pay all of the bills, and he spend a few thousand dollars for this action. He finally was allowed to return home. I told him if this ever happened again, that he would be old, alone, and broke!!
He still continues to drink, his one night per week, maybe two. He sometimes still belittles me-even when he isn’t drinking. He has actually told me that I don’t turn him on-wow! He has thought that I would have sex with him while he was still drunk during the morning–NO, NO; that’s when he told me I didn’t turn him on. Oh, well, I figure, who cares!
I am planning a route to leave. It’s hard to just Go, but I am planning-there is no time frame. I have seen that things aren’t going to change. He still tells me that it’s his life, and he’s going to do what he wants.
Just get your plan together, but DON’T let him know this.
Best wishes to you.
Sep 16, 2012
RE: I know how you feel
by: Anonymous
My sincere advise to you is LEAVE! Leave as fast as you possibly can. Sure, the rest of the week is good, but I’m telling you from experience, he will ALWAYS ruin any special day(s) that you have. I lived this married life for years—“in love” with my husband; all to FINALLY realize that “love” is NOT enough! I deserve better, and will have better ALONE. Please–I KNOW it is hard to break this cycle, because whether you realize it or not, you are an Enabler-just like I was. Yes, you deserve a peaceful, predictable, stable, enjoyable life.
Best wishes to You.
Jan 18, 2012
I know how you feel….
by: D.A.
My husband does the same exact thing and I know how you feel. Until I read this I thought he was an alcoholic, but he’s clearly a “binge or problem” drinker. I don’t know how much more I can take…for the last 2 Wednesday’s he has yelled at me for over 9 hours…have you figured it out?
I want so badly for him to stop but he just says it’s his weekend and he needs to relax…well isn’t it our weekend? What do you say to that?
Today, he put his hands on me and held me against my will in our basement (I was cleaning it) all while spitting in my face smelling of vodka. I said for him to get off me because I could smell the alcohol and he said I am not drinking. I can’t take the lies and deceit and the hiding his liquor bottles any more. Then he asks me why I can’t trust him? He doesn’t understand that I don’t trust him because of these little so called lies or whatever he wants to call them that he tells.
I feel like if I have to endure one more day like this I am going to kill myself. I can’t do this.
I don’t want to leave or kick him out, because the rest of the week is great. It’s like it didn’t happen. I love him with all my heart and soul, what do I do?
Comments for He says he is not an alcoholic
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Aug 06, 2016
He loves the bottle more then he loves me.
by: Anonymous
He loves the bottle more then he loves me. I know that’s not true and he really loves me, but it doesn’t always feel that way.
I’ve know my husband for 10 years now, married for 7. In the beginning I did not realize that he had a problem, only that he drank after a long hard day at work. He worked in construction so it made sense. Later on in our relationship (while dating) I found MANY pill bottles. Did not think much of it at the time. Later we married and moved out of state, I was so excited. A new life with the man I love. So I had totally missed all the signs during the time we were dating because as soon as we moved in together, he changed. Drinking all the time, taking meds, very lazy, yelling and screaming at me all the time, putting me down, playing mental games, breaking things, throwing my food on the wall, saying I was a bad cook and much more. After a few years and a miscarriage of our twins it got worse. He drank one large bottle of vodka a day for at least a month, until we moved back home. Then for 2 1/2 years he did not look for a job, he hated life and everything was everyone else’s fault except his own. After years of making threats I finally left him and filed for divorce. I worry about him and I LOVE him but I can’t keep playing these games. Now, I’m waiting for the divorce papers to get served, I know it’s going to kill him.
As much as I want to move on with my life I always have second thoughts, specifically when we talk but I think it’s too late.
Aug 08, 2015
Binge drinking
by: Anonymous
24 yrs married to a binge drinker. He drinks to much and tells me how bad I am. He doesn’t do it every month – sometimes every 6 months, but the pain sticks!! Why can’t I find the strength to leave!! My kids don’t deserve this venom and tension, I feel so lost …
Mar 20, 2015
i met my husband at an AA meeting
by: Anonymous
Yes. We met at an AA meeting. He was supportive, kind man. We married 2 years later. Now he drinks every saturday night until he is smashed. We have been together 9 years now. My trust and heart are broken. Last week he verbally abused and threatened me. He beleives he is entitled to drink because he works hard. I just have nothing left.
Oct 21, 2014
Update
by: Anonymous
I’ve seen the bank statements now I know why he hides them and his checkbook. Purchase of 7 cases of beer every 2 weeks the blackberry brandy 2 gallons every other week. Ironic this website would pop up today as today after 29 1/2 years our divorce is final. It is very sad – I go to al anon.
Jul 25, 2014
He works so he’s not an alcoholic
by: Anonymous
My husband drinks 7 cases 24/packs a month himself plus all the blackberry brandy he can hide. But he gets his butt out of bed every day and goes to work so in his mind “he is not an alcoholic”. We have been married 29 years, together 34. There is no love, affection, intimacy, communication. Why do we women hang around that long? I feel like he’s not only wasted his life but mine 60 years total.
We didn’t do vacations “because I don’t pay my fair share”- yet $$$ he puts out on his friends is not a problem. He’s never been supportive as a husband, makes 4x what I make and is kind to everyone “BUT HIS WIFE”. Sneaks out of work they don’t know he’s gone because he switches out vehicles or a bicycle and they never know for sure if he is there or not.
I filed for a divorce yet I feel so empty and depressed. He’d do the most disgusting things, we couldn’t close curtains in the home at night, cant turn the air on no matter how hot it is… very controlling. We went on vacation he was so drunk he ‘forgot” and left me in the bar when he went up to the room… horrible inconsiderate behavior… WHY DO I FEEL so depressed and lonely? I can’t possibly Miss this behavior anyone else go through this stuff?
Dec 22, 2012
I Know How You Feel…
by: Anonymous
Seems that you and I are in very similar situations. I certainly understand about how you do not want to leave, but on the other hand, all we really need to do is leave, because that is the only real answer; but I am still with my husband. Believe me, I certainly entertain the thought of leaving everyday, even while I am at work. Oh yes, and work is much better than being at home with someone who is unpredictable, except for their drinking. The “little white lies” that you speak of are beyond terrible, I certainly understand. Let’s call it what it is: a lie. I have come to understand that if a person will lie to you they will steal from you, and if they will steal from you, it’s hard telling what else they will do. So with that last sentence, I will say that we are lied to, they are stealing our joy (our life), and so it is curious what else they will do.
I actually had my husband arrested for threatening me. Of course, he was very very drunk and on medicine when he did this, but nevertheless, I had enough of that. He was put out of “his” house (everything is always “his” according to him), had to pay all of the bills, and he spend a few thousand dollars for this action. He finally was allowed to return home. I told him if this ever happened again, that he would be old, alone, and broke!!
He still continues to drink, his one night per week, maybe two. He sometimes still belittles me-even when he isn’t drinking. He has actually told me that I don’t turn him on-wow! He has thought that I would have sex with him while he was still drunk during the morning–NO, NO; that’s when he told me I didn’t turn him on. Oh, well, I figure, who cares!
I am planning a route to leave. It’s hard to just Go, but I am planning-there is no time frame. I have seen that things aren’t going to change. He still tells me that it’s his life, and he’s going to do what he wants.
Just get your plan together, but DON’T let him know this.
Best wishes to you.
Sep 16, 2012
RE: I know how you feel
by: Anonymous
My sincere advise to you is LEAVE! Leave as fast as you possibly can. Sure, the rest of the week is good, but I’m telling you from experience, he will ALWAYS ruin any special day(s) that you have. I lived this married life for years—“in love” with my husband; all to FINALLY realize that “love” is NOT enough! I deserve better, and will have better ALONE. Please–I KNOW it is hard to break this cycle, because whether you realize it or not, you are an Enabler-just like I was. Yes, you deserve a peaceful, predictable, stable, enjoyable life.
Best wishes to You.
Jan 18, 2012
I know how you feel….
by: D.A.
My husband does the same exact thing and I know how you feel. Until I read this I thought he was an alcoholic, but he’s clearly a “binge or problem” drinker. I don’t know how much more I can take…for the last 2 Wednesday’s he has yelled at me for over 9 hours…have you figured it out?
I want so badly for him to stop but he just says it’s his weekend and he needs to relax…well isn’t it our weekend? What do you say to that?
Today, he put his hands on me and held me against my will in our basement (I was cleaning it) all while spitting in my face smelling of vodka. I said for him to get off me because I could smell the alcohol and he said I am not drinking. I can’t take the lies and deceit and the hiding his liquor bottles any more. Then he asks me why I can’t trust him? He doesn’t understand that I don’t trust him because of these little so called lies or whatever he wants to call them that he tells.
I feel like if I have to endure one more day like this I am going to kill myself. I can’t do this.
I don’t want to leave or kick him out, because the rest of the week is great. It’s like it didn’t happen. I love him with all my heart and soul, what do I do?
Nov 22, 2011
Drinking ruined meal
by: Anonymous
He managed to ruin our pre-Thanksgiving meal with the young grandchild. When he came to the table he was drunk, sitting there saying every swear word at the table. I couldn’t get him to stop. I feel that I have had enough! The next day, he acted as though nothing ever happened. I am tired of his actions. One day he’s ok, the next, in front of company, he is a monster!! He can cook his own Thanksgiving dinner for his family, because I do not believe it is fair for me to cook a meal that he is going to sit down and behave for his family, and he ruined it for mine.
Jul 19, 2011
Boundaries…
by: Anonymous
Concerning your comment about me setting boundaries for his drinking. I always tell him the next day how he has hurt my feelings, and that I do not deserve to be talked to that way. Of course, he is always sorry, and is going to try to do better. His idea of the way things should be done are…his way – he says he runs the show around this place, and if I don’t like it, well, that’s just tough! He usually does his drinking at home, although, some of it has been in public. Sometimes, when in public, he even begins to swear, and I know people hear him, and it is very embarrasing. If I don’t want to drive him where he wants to go when he’s drinking, he gives me such a hard time, I just give in-either way, going out, or staying home, he is so drunk, I hear his abusive talk for hours on end; so either way, he is going to do “his thing.” When he isn’t drinking, he is a good person. I believe deep down inside he would like to change, but he will tell me that he does not need any help, that he enjoys alcohol. What I am positive of is that I do not deserve his belittlement every time he decides to get drunk.